Good evening, everyone:

I don ’t know about you, but I ’m delighted that we finally have an apronym that serves as a mnemonic for those of us who struggle to remember the names of all five great lakes: SHAME.

As you all know by now, the shortcut comes to us courtesy of President Trump, who has replaced (or, more precisely, sought to replace) the name Lake Ontario (at least on the American side) with Lake America. Hence our new list:

• Superior
• Huron
• America
• Michigan
• Erie

This move clearly is only the first in many that will take us down a path rich in potential for the rebranding of geographical identities that violate our national identity. My predictions:

• Toronto, OH will now become Ivanka, Ohio (it ’s really important in this new convention to match up the number of syllables in the new name with the number in the old one – otherwise, the integrity of the whole deal gets lost);
• Vancouver, WA turns into Rubio, Washington;
• New Brunswick, NJ gives way to Doug Burgum, New Jersey (the Interior Secretary deserves special treatment it seems to me – he ’s probably the one charged with changing all the directional signs to Lake Ontario America;
• And clearly, the St. Lawrence Seaway, which – like Lake America – sits right on the border, so has to be reclaimed forthwith – hence, look for the St. Donald Channel.

Who said that tarriff wars aren ’t a good thing? It ’s sort of too bad that this had to land at the doorstep of Canada, but it appears they can take it. But those of you who are North American map collectors should sell quick, while your maps are still accurately labeled.

Rip

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