Good evening everyone:

So, the ten-story, 23-ton Chinese rocket – the poetically-named  “Long March 5B” – has indeed hurtled back to earth, crashing through our atmosphere, spreading bits and pieces of itself across the landscape.

I found it fascinating to take note of exactly where the detritus of this “uncontrolled re-entry” (an A+ for euphemism) ended up. Despite all the cutting-edge predictions about the likely debris shower being limited to the environs of Northeastern Africa, the rocket was remarkably precise in its choice of landfall. As you all know by now, the major pieces fell in four places – all in the continental United States.

The first, very large, piece of space debris – although what part, exactly, nobody seems to know, despite its clear resemblance to the trunk of an elephant – landed in Tallahassee. It went crashing through the window of the state’s history museum, actually – just two doors down from the State capitol. Fortunately – because the rocket-piece hit the museum during the closed-to-everybody-except-the-Fox channel press conference that Governor DeSantis was holding to announce sneaky and devious ways to prevent people from exercising their franchise – nobody except Democrats and journalists were outside and in harm’s way. And for those folks, a bunch of debris falling out of nowhere from the Florida skies seemed par for the course.

It took the Governor’s leadership group until this morning to realize that the fragment had obliterated the glass case housing the Florida Constitution, destroying the document in the process. The Governor reportedly found that “fake news” amusing, stating that such a document never really existed anyway.

A second, slightly smaller, piece of the rocket fell squarely on a family’s front porch in Phoenix. Not just any family, though, but the family of the supervisor of the county’s election fraud division. Although nobody was hurt, the family was stuck inside for the better part of two days, not because their front porch had been obliterated, but because they were blocked in by protestors promoting the privately-contracted and privately-conducted Maricopa County election recount. In a widely publicized sermon the next day, a local minister heralded the family’s isolation as proof that a higher power was meting out heavenly punishment for the supervisor’s refusal to invalidate the fall presidential results in the county.

In an uncanny serendipity, a third offshoot – the rocket’s navigation system and antenna – pierced the barn in Pacific Palisades where Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps his miniature pony and donkey. The animals were startled, but unharmed – so too apparently was the ex-Gov:

The Arnold immediately vaulted to the roof, resorted to a nifty power-move to dislodge the antenna, and drove it to Sacramento, where he presented it to Governor Gavin Newsom. Newsome was caught off-guard,  understandably suspicious of what in heaven’s name Schwarzenegger was up to.

But the former Gov explained to the current Gov his belief that the only way the latter could combat California’s recently-certified recall effort would be to claim that the navigation system (manufactured by Huawei) contained arcane and classified Chinese intelligence about the California entertainment industry – information that Newsom could say  he would share with the CIA, Defense Space Agency, and Department of Agriculture only if re-elected. The former Gov convinced Newsom by pointing out that he had tried something like that when he ran – successfully – against Gray Davis in the 2003 recall – although he wasn’t specific about just how.

And the final piece was, of course, the mother-load – the engine. That it found its way to Rudolph Giuliani’s backyard garden atop a Manhattan skyscraper is pretty miraculous when you think about it. The engine, unlike the navigation system, was manufactured in Kiev, Ukraine. Giuliani needed the help of three of his former law partners (which took a while – it isn’t easy to arrange work-release from Rikers) and a small landscaping company in New Jersey (he wouldn’t disclose its identity – Three Seasons? Four Guys and a Shovel? Manure is Us?) to get the engine dislodged from his rare Venus Flytrap and Pitcher Plant patch:

Giuliani is gleeful at this turn of events, claiming that reverse-engineering the machine will reveal just how deeply corrupt Hunter Biden truly is. Not exactly sure about the connection here, but we’ve come to expect no less from America’s Mayor.

Other pieces have undoubtably fallen in other places yet to be discovered (there was a sighting of a series of small explosions in Utah, but the details remain hazy), but it’s only been a couple of days. Let me know if you hear anything.

Rip

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